Mismatched sexual desire is a common issue that I deal with in my coaching practice. Perhaps the majority of higher-desire clients are men but it is not a vast difference. There are plenty of men and women in relationships with people who just don't seem to be as into sex as they are. I hope that, if you are in this situation, I can give you some information to help you feel more in control and increasingly optimistic about your sexual relationship, whether you are high or low in desire.
There are 3 basic dynamics behind desire disparities:
1 SUFFOCATING/DOMINATING
The more one insists on sex, the more the other backs off. Both feel increasingly resentful. The lack of breathing space leaves no room for desire to build and blossom. The high desire (HD) partner feels punished, ignored and not taken seriously. The low-desire (LD) person feels pressured, misunderstood and tends top desire for sex as sex for their sake of sex rather than as a way of showing affection and love.
HD needs to back off and stop asking for sex. The more you demand, the worse things will get. Stop taking things personally. S/he is not being deliberately punished.
LD will benefit from seeing that HD uses sex to express love and must stop denigrating their partner's desire as 'animal' or trivialise it in some other way.
2. DISTANT/WITHDRAWAL
One would like more sex but the other seems too busy. Both lead busy stressful lives and, classically, have 'no time for sex'. Sex has failed to become a priority. Emotionally the couple begin to drift apart, making it increasingly unlikely that they will make time for sex.
Both HD and LD need a reality check to address the dwindling emotional intimacy between them. They need to make time to spend together, having fun, relaxing and prioritise their sexual relationship. Both must take responsibility for what is happening.
3. BALANCED
This couple have good strong communication skills. They may both feel they are not having sex as often as they would like but they are not blaming, criticisingor resenting each other. They have a healthy intimacy, sharing feelings and anxieties regularly and without fear. Trust is intact.
Both HD and LDare in a great position to start sharing more of their sexual feelings together.
ALL clients need to work through the following areas to improve their sexual connection.
1. When they do have sex how satisfied are they? Disappointing sex will kill desire.
2. Evidence shows that HD and LD people experience desire very differently. HD feel a powerful explosion of excitement and LD tend more to a slow burn of subtle feelings. If the LD person learns to act on the flickering of desire can help you become more sexual with each other.
3. Stop blaming each other and respect and take seriously your own and your partner's sexuality. Do not compare your partner to a previous lover. What possible good can this do you? Write down what you do like and appreciate about your partner's sexuality. What do they give you that you have not had before?
4. Give desire a chance to build. Learn to say no to sex but not to the person. The LD can offer an alternative (hug, touch, to masturbate your partner or watch them masturbating) so that a closeness can still develop. This often leads into sex without the pressure.
5. Sometimes the HD person must take care of their own sexual needs if their partner is not able to support them. But do so with the intention of having a good time by yourself. I have coached men who came to realise that their desire for sex was compulsive and they felt a need to match up to a notion of normality or to what their friends (who are probably lying) are doing. Make sure you are not obsessed with having a arbitrarynumber of sexual experiences a week, rather than acting from deep sexual desire.
6. For the LD partner, keeping a sex diary (of what increases your desire) is very helpful. It helps you become aware of desire that might otherwise go unnoticed. It puts you more in touch with your sexuality.
7. Intimacy issues - e.g. how much time do you spend talking to each other about your day? For may people emotional intimacy ignites their desire and, when this is lacking, desire disappears. MAke time to talk and share what is going on in your life.
8. A common pattern is one in which theHD person isvery controlling in the relationship and the LD respnds (not deliberately) but feeling less sexual towards them. Feeling powerless is very unsexy and drains desire. Steps need to taken to balance the power within the relationship.
9. Does the LD partner feel inhibited and sometimes lack of confidence and fear of failure makes them seize up sexually and withdraw from sex. Does the LD partner experience difficulties with erection/orgasm? Problems with sexual function will of course affect your level of desire.
10. Look at the way sex had developed within your relationship. This can help reveal whether current mismatches are temporary or more persistent. Remember that most sexual relationships start off with frequent sex, regardless of whether one partner isLD, because of the hormones, novelty and excitment flooding your body in the first months.
I have found that disparities in desire are common and solvable. Once both take responsibility, begin to appreciate each other's sexuality as it is and reconnect to what they like about their partner's sexuality, mismatched in desire can be dealt with successfully so that the couple end coaching with new insights into sex and feeling optimistic about their sexual future.
