One year on

Celebrating Eden's first birthday was both wodnerful and a bit sad for me. It was joyous because I could invite friends to share Eden's first year in the world and feel proud and happy of how much Simon and I had come through in that first difficult year. It was sad because I stopped breastfeeding after her birthday night and I missed the closeness and, to be honest, I probably mourned some of the loss of her dependence on me. Eden was not a very cuddly baby and so breastfeeding was the time I could be physically closest to her for any sustained amount of time. In actuality, as most things are, the thinking about giving it up was far worse than the actuality. Eden particularly was not very bothered. She had been down to only one feed a day and getting increasingly distracted so I feel the time was right. I had also been advised by a friend to stop before they can talk and start asking for milk. To make up for this, Eden is becoming more cuddly, especially when with strangers. Everyone used to be deserving of a smile but now she has reached the stage when new people are greeted with some suspicion smiles have to be earned. Whilst this occurs, she needs to clamber over Mummy. I am at the stage I thought I would never be at - feeling nostaglic for new babies and their utter dependency - their inability to move around and chuck CDs, DVDs, papers, diaries, note around gleefully. I want to encourage independence because I suppose I value it but I also like the fact that Eden clambers all over me when she meets new people. Is this bad? Will I end up as one of those parents who clings to their child's dependency and refuse to let them grow up? I dpon't think so but there are so many parental fears about the type of parent you may become that I have to keep telling ymself it's alright to want your child to be clsoe toy you, especially if they spent most of the first year preferring almost anything to a cuddle. I aslo am preparing to book Eden into nursery. This is something me and a friend have been discussing for about the last 3 months, saying oh yes we definitely have to look into this and then doing nothing. Eden also went through a hysterical phase when she would lose it when tired and in large groups of children and people. I could not bear the thought of this happening when she was on her own. She seems to be getting over this and I need more time to work and do the things that energise me and make me happy so nursery time it is. And only for a couple of days or half-days, not very long really. Every other mum I know who has a child in nursery says their child loves it so I expect that it can be good for Eden and she can enjoy it. I wanted to wait until she can walk as I hated the thought of her sitting in a heap, crying and uanble to move towards soemone that could help her. She still doesn't walk but I think in a couple of months she'll be up and about. Eden's modelling career is still in progress. She had a job for baby football gear, which went fine although the clothes were all massive and we had to wait around for an hour and a half. All the fears I had seem a bit ridiculous now. Dealing with her going to a casting and not being picked is actually fine because she does not have any concept of being rejected and so it doesn't really matter whether she gets the job or she doesn't. Ideally, I would like a little selection of photos I can show her when she is older adn some money she has earned that can wait in her account until she is ready to spend it. I hope she will feel proud of what she did - and that she spends her money wisely.