How To Have a Better Argument

How important is it to be able to turn a potentially damaging argument into a fruitful and constructive discussion? Very, I say, with the recent experience of finding out how much having a baby challenges your ability to retreat from your own self-righteousness and actually listen to a different point of view. Those of you who know me are aware of my dislike of gendered generalisation. However, talking to other mums has led me to believe that there tend to be (there I go, unable to categorically support gender differences!) distinct differences in how Mummy and Daddy interact with their baby. Most of these differences seem to come down to different ways of viewing risk to the baby. Whilst I tend to view the world as a place of potential ongoing danger for Eden, Simon engages in what I see as more wantonly reckless behaviour with her.The kinds of Daddy does are: 1. crossing the road with the buggy at a red man (horror - what if a car turns without indicating!) It is possible to argue about this for a very long time. 2.forgetting that he has undone her highchair and then getting distracted by the weather report. This leads to Eden falling out onto her face and me becoming enraged at his carelessness, whilst forgetting the times when I have left her on the sofa for 'just a second' or placed her on a tall pile and precarious pile of differently-sized cushions with predictable results. I since discover that all parents I talk to have done such things and, so far, no baby I know of has come to any harm at all. 3.pushing the buggy along with one hand only - what dangerous casualness. This compares to me, who has relatively recently been able to give up using the buggy handstrap (which I have never seen anyone else using) as I feared me losing control of her buggy. This says so much more about me than I would like! 4.engaging in rough and tumble games involving holding Eden very high up in the air. 5.going to the playground and lettign Eden do things that I feel may be too dangerous for one so young One very interesting thing that Simon said made me realise how much I see my view of the world as right and his as wrong and slightly irresponsible. I told him I had been discussing with friends how our partners tend to do things that we see as too 'risky'. So, I said, there are obviously 'daddy' things that men like to do. As Simon, pointed out, the need of my friends and me to try reduce risk and worry about what daddy is doing is itself just a 'mummy' thing to do and does not represent the truth any more than what he chooses to do. Good point, I thought. So maybe I tend to worry more and he worries less. Neither of us is right. We have to learn to trust each other that each of us capable of looking after Eden and ensuring that she comes to no harm. To ask a good coaching question, what is the outcome that I want? And what I want is for Eden to feel safe and secure and not to feel that the world is a big scary place, full of potential dangers. If I measure my reactions against that, then I do manage to feel less anxious about things and have more faith that Simon and I can get it right enough to help Eden develop into a happy and confident child.