Strange how the last post on my blog was such a pitifully long time ago when I found out I was pregnant. My daughter, Eden Alexandra, was born on 20th July 2008. She weighed 8lbs 2oz and her arrival was about as far away from my birth plan as you could imagine.
I was not scared at the thought of giving birth. I imagined me stoically coping with the pain as I relaxed in a warm birthing pool, listening to CDs of carefully selected music. The first problem was that Eden did not want to leave my womb and, at 11 days overdue, I had to be induced.
Various methods were tried out. A cervical membrane sweep failed to have any effect. Prostin hormone tablets did help my watrers to break but also left me with agonising stomach and pelvic waves of unbearable pain that the midife told me were 'actually quite mild contractions'. The cheek of it. I staggered around hospital with my partner, trying to practice active birth by keeping upright until I could not bear the pain any longer. The next stage is a hormone drip and an epidural. The epidural is given as the hormones bring on sudden and strong contractions that are too much to cope with as they come out of nowhere. Also I was begging for pain relief at this point!
Far from a natural and peaceful birthing experience, I found myself being given and then seeking out as much medical intervention as I could find. Just to complete my anti-birth plan experience, the midwife then noticed that Eden's heart rate was dropping at times and decided that this demanded further investigation. About this time I also realised that there was a 'pocket' in the epidural so that part of my back was not anaethetised and I was feeling increasingly strong contractions on one side. So back comes the anaestetist as well to try and correct this at the same time as a doctor was trying to get a blood sample from Eden's head to test whether she was getting enough oxygen. Next thing, a midwife comes rushing back in clutching a computer print-out and shouting '1.81'. The doctor looks at me and says 'right, your baby has to be delivered NOW'.
This means an emergency c-section due to the baby going into foetal distress. About 8 new people flooded into the room and I was rushed to theatre. Eden was born about 20 minutes later. Looking back, I have only fletting memories of what happened. I remember hearing Eden's first cries and collapsing into tears and then Simon, my partner, brought her over to me. She was swaddled in blankets and so I could not see her face properly. Simon sat with me as I was being stitched up and I was truly happy at that point as Eden and I were both safe. Far from the first photo of Eden being in my arms as I sat blissfully in a birthing pool, the first photo was taken by a nurse and is of Simon and Eden together, Simon kitted out in hospital scrubs. I rather like this photo as it acknowledges all that went beforehand - the disappointment as my labour became increasingly un-natural and mounting panic as the medical staff began to sense that something might be seriously wrong.
I know that many women who have an unplanned caesarean feel bitterly disappointed and sad. Trying to find a positive, at least I did save my pelvic floor muscles! Yes, I do wonder what it is like to experience a 'normal' vaginal birth; what it is like to give birth in the way that nature intended. But the harsh fact is that this option was not appropriate for me and Eden. I had to spend about 2 weeks unable to do very much at all, waiting for the incision to heal. This was, and still is, extremely frustrating. There are no prizes for being a birth martyr. There is nothing that makes you a better person or a better mother if you have a vaginal birth. I was not able to give birth the way I had dreamed of but I had to accept this. The ONLY thing that ever matters is that you and your baby are safe and well. It doesn't matter to me how Eden arrived. It matters that she is here.
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